Biden Contracts COVID Again, Declares It His 'New Running Mate'

Third Time's the Charm

In an unprecedented move, President Joe Biden has announced that COVID-19 will be his new running mate for the 2024 election. After testing positive for the virus for the third time, Biden joked that the persistent pathogen has shown more dedication than any other candidate.

A Symbiotic Campaign

“COVID and I have been through a lot together,” Biden quipped from his home in Delaware, where he is self-isolating. “It’s always there, always reliable. Frankly, it’s more persistent than some of my advisors.”

Rebranding the Virus

The Biden campaign quickly moved to rebrand the virus as a symbol of resilience. “COVID is like that old friend who keeps dropping by unannounced,” said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “But instead of bringing snacks, it brings mild symptoms and a non-productive cough.”

A Match Made in Quarantine

Political analysts are baffled by this move, but the Biden team is optimistic. “If we can’t beat COVID, we might as well join forces,” said a senior campaign strategist. “Besides, it’s not like the virus can run against us if it’s on our side.”

The Future of Political Partnerships

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Biden’s unofficial hype man, has expressed cautious optimism. “This partnership is unconventional, but in a world where Kanye can run for president, why not COVID?”

Opponent Reactions

Republican opponents were quick to respond. “If Biden wants to run with COVID, maybe he should stay in quarantine indefinitely,” said an unnamed spokesperson for the GOP. “We prefer our running mates to be symptom-free.”

The Road Ahead

As Biden embarks on this uncharted political path, Americans are left wondering what other unexpected alliances the 2024 election will bring. For now, it seems that the President and his new viral sidekick are ready to take on the campaign trail, one socially distanced rally at a time.