Post-Assassination Attempt: Trump Releases 'How to Dodge Bullets' Masterclass

In a characteristically Trumpian twist, former President Donald Trump has turned his recent assassination attempt into a lucrative venture. Just days after narrowly escaping an attack at a rally in Butler, Pennsylvania, Trump has announced the launch of his latest Masterclass: "How to Dodge Bullets – And Haters."

Standing before a rapturous crowd at his next rally, Trump introduced the new course with his trademark bravado. "Folks, they tried to take me down, but guess what? I'm still here, and I'm going to teach you how to be just as invincible," Trump proclaimed. "This Masterclass is going to be huge, believe me. Bigger than anything you've ever seen."

The course, priced at $199, promises to impart the secrets of Trump's survival skills, which he claims have been honed over decades of dodging not just bullets, but "fake news" and political adversaries. "I've faced down more haters than anyone in history, and I'm still standing. You can learn to do the same," Trump asserted.

The Curriculum

The Masterclass consists of several key modules, each designed to impart a crucial aspect of Trump's bullet-dodging technique:

Keep Moving: Trump emphasizes the importance of constant motion. "You can't hit a moving target, folks. Always keep them guessing. Whether it's on the debate stage or at a rally, never stay still," he advises.

Distraction Tactics: One module focuses on using distraction to your advantage. "Talk about something else. When they're aiming at you, start talking about jobs, the economy, or how great your rallies are. It works every time," Trump explains.

Confidence is Key: Trump insists that a big part of dodging bullets is simply believing you can. "Walk out there like you're untouchable. If you think you're bulletproof, the bullets will believe it too," he claims.

The Art of Self-Promotion: The course wouldn't be complete without lessons on turning every situation into a marketing opportunity. "After you dodge that bullet, don't forget to sell it. Books, merch, classes – there's always a way to profit," Trump advises.

Testimonials

Trump's Masterclass already boasts glowing testimonials from a variety of unexpected sources. "I used to be terrified of public speaking," one user writes. "But after Trump's course, I feel like I can dodge anything – even metaphorical bullets from my critics."

Another testimonial reads, "Thanks to this Masterclass, I not only feel safer, but I've also started my own line of 'bulletproof' business suits. Sales are through the roof!"

Critics Weigh In

Predictably, Trump's latest endeavor has drawn its share of criticism. "It's in poor taste to commercialize such a serious event," said one political analyst. "But then again, it's very on-brand for Trump."

Unfazed by the naysayers, Trump remains confident that his Masterclass will be a hit. "They said it couldn't be done, but we're proving them wrong again," he declared. "Sign up today, and you'll be dodging bullets – and haters – in no time. Believe me."

Final Thoughts

Whether you're looking to boost your confidence, learn some unconventional survival skills, or simply enjoy the spectacle of Trump turning another situation into a business opportunity, "How to Dodge Bullets – And Haters" promises to deliver. As Trump himself puts it, "You can't keep a good man down. And with this Masterclass, you won't be kept down either."

Enrollment is open now, and spots are reportedly filling up fast. After all, in the world according to Trump, there's always a market for survival – with a side of spectacle.